Best Ever Figures - but still lost!

The lows - we were bowled out for 54 - the highs - I took 7 - 17...

...the lows again - we still lost. Bugger! It was a really close game and with 9 men we came very close to beating Nocton away but there you go. With 4 games to go we are 5th but its still very tight in the division!

Canyoning

For those who dont know, Wales can be a very wet place. Even wetter, if you do what the stags on Danny Parkinson's stag do, do, and go canyoning. This basically involved getting on a wetsuite and life jacket and looking like a big mincer.

You can then scramble down a river, over boulders, down waterfalls and in Jon's words "float like a turd"!

Wonderful stuff, especially jumping off the top of gulleys into the water. Dont do it without supervision though kids! Really good weekend overall, good beer, midnight jog to the pub and camping action. Just a long way away!

Facebook

Its great this Facebook thing - like finding 'friendsreunited' for the first time but much better! I realised that theres so many people I've lost contact with over the years and that I'm useless at keeping in touch. Sorry!

Match off again this weekend - so yet another cricket free Sunday. Taking up water skiing instead.

Soggy weather, soggy moods

It's been truly horrendous weather recently, with gale force winds and lashing rain nearly every day. It feels like Dementors are on the loose in Lincolnshire and no-one is safe from their icy grasp. To add to the bad feelings in general, the Goldsbroughs suffered a burglary, I got done for speeding and Charlotte has been rattling through reports which gives her no free time whatsoever. I was slightly cheered by the appearance of small frogs in the garden, but to be honest, on the whole I feel a bit down with it all. Its also likely that Boston away will be cancelled on Sunday, creating a bit of a cricket vacuum.

So whats in store. Well, its happy birthday to both Nick and Jon this weekend - so its going to be raining booze and probably a couple of meals out as well. I just hope we don't get flooded out of our houses and end up living up trees like a load of dirty apes. I really don't fancy using flint to fashion a prehistoric club and then chasing after weird amphibian beasts, that are the only creatures who can survive the new climate of permanent rain and bogs. I bet they'd taste disgusting anyway and electricity would be right out. So no TV or PlayStation either, which would be rubbish.

Please let it stop raining soon!!!

Another Thirlling Victory!

A weekend of torrential rain meant that the pitch at Heighnton was somewhat soggy. As Duncan Clark put it, you can put your thumb into the pitch, up to your elbow! However, we played and despite looking like a sponge that a dog had been chewing on, there was a surprising amount of bounce. Expecting to be bowled out for around 40 - we made 138, with nibsy top scoring with 58 (ish).

Bowling we created lots of pressure but very little in the way of wicket taking opportunities. It didn't matter in the end though, as we squeezed the oppo out in the last over, they fell 5 runs short with 6 wickets in hand!

It was excellent to feel as though we were winning those close games that were real battles!

Bad Back!

Been on holiday to Sardinia with Charlotte and really relaxed for the first time in absolutely ages. This may explain my lack of blogging! Lots of eating (seafood), drinking (Martini) and sleeping (in a bed)! Felt great until last weekend when I played cricket on a bad back - which meant that on Monday I couldn't move! Very embarassing shuffling round work, but took 4 - 7 so actually happy to take a bit of pain for the greater good. We beat Nocton by only a couple of runs, so all was good but it did go down to the wire and we could have lost even off the last ball of the innings.

Wedding Bells

Nick and Amy got married at the weekend - congratulations. It was a top few days, which went all too quickly. On Friday Nick came over for a relaxing evening before the stress of the next day. I didn't think the omens were good, as both Peep Show and Family Guy featured weddings going wrong. But theirs didn't!

The ceremony was at St Michaels South Hykeham and went really well. As best man, I checked that the rings were in my pocket 4 times a minute and thankfully I had them ready on time!

The reception at Hemswell was fantastic, sunny weather and delicious swal! I mean, lovely hospitality. It was great to see everyone together - the only problem being that it was so hard to spend time with everyone as there were too many people to stop in one place. The speeches all went down well - more of that later.

Finally, we had a great dance to such old time classics as 'size of a cow' and 'night train' - class!

The best ever holiday (was a disaster)...

The best holiday ever, was very nearly an absolute disaster. By rights it should have been.

My wife Charlotte and I honeymooned on a resort over-looking the beautiful coastline of Antigua. You can picture the scene: azure skies, lazy days on the beach, rum cocktails… After the busy wedding planning and the rush of the day, the chance to relax was wonderful. It was all going so well until the middle of the week.

Returning to our room, we discovered that we had been burgled. Not only was money missing but Charlotte’s engagement and wedding rings were as well. It was awful & upsetting but aside from reporting it, there was little we could do.

Determined to keep our spirits up, we travelled to ‘Devil’s Bridge’ - A natural chasm in the beach-rock under which the surf can be seen pounding.

We got too close and a wave roared over the top of the bridge, knocking Charlotte off her feet onto sharp rocks. We had to visit a roadside hospital to tend the cuts.

Returning to the hotel, we thought we’d keep a low profile. I went swimming in the sea keeping my ring safely on at all times. What an error! – within 5 minutes I felt it literally slipping off my finger. I couldn’t stop it. My face betrayed what had happened. I believe my lovely new wife may have swore.
Nothing else really happened. We enjoyed the sun, sea and company. So why should this be the best holiday ever? Well, aside from being firmly memorable (I will never forget the awful run of luck) it really brought home how close we were. None of the things that happened really hurt us. We survived and we felt closer than ever.

I wouldn’t recommend it though!

Wet Weekend

It has rained all through this weekend, making it very hard to enjoy the springtime. Case in point, wanted to go for a run yesterday - ended up getting soaked. Will probably catch pneumonia now. Probably. No cricket either. Boo.

Saturday night was fun though, a curry down at the Saga followed by drinks round at the Walkers- cue Nick riding a bike up to people's front windows and saying hello at 11pm. Still didn't prepare us all for Ted's latest game. From the man who brought you the 'Sly nudger' - I give you 'Cock or ball.' Words fail me!

Clint looked fairly dead when we left. It was the Clapham seabreeze that did for him. Its basically 7/8ths vodka - 1/8 crandberry with a twist of grapefruit.

Clint, if you're still with us. Sorry.

Bank Holiday Pub Crawl

Charlotte, Nick, Amy, Tom, Harrison, Jon and I formed a merry band of pub crawlers yesterday - determined to visit new pubs in the Lincoln High Street area. Dear me, there were some shockers and using our newly revised rating system we discovered that the best pub was the Ritz - which says it all really! However, the Golden Eagle was a good find and I can't think we'll have too much lasting damage from the lamentable Reindeer Hotel - just plain awful. When you walk in and the front door is smashed, the clientele have black eyes and the barman attempts to charge you £14 for 6 halves you know you're in trouble!

Full ratings will follow soon for posterity.

Highlight of the day was applying a tourniquet to different body parts in an attempt to create a corpse-like palour. I will never forgot Charlotte's bloated purple wrist as long as I live!

Heckington V Rustons

Sunday saw the resurgent Rustons take on Heckington and it turned out to be a great match. Batting first, we set a formidable target of 185 - with Noble and young Stu both scoring fifties. It was a great display of clean hitting from the pair who added on a partnership of 95 in quick time.

I managed to bowl a miserly spell, taking 4 - 8 off ten overs and we bowled them out to win by 100 runs. Really happy with my performance, although I have a sore back now - even two days later!

Wills Top 5 Stag Do Moments

Top 5

1. All the geordies thinking that Nick looked like one of the black and white minstrels fallen on bad times.
2. Nick dressed up as Majhu's dad in the curry house.
3. Nick dry bu**ing his mum's stuffed cat.
4. Nick docking with Jimmy five bellies.
5. Nick seagulling on the hotel bedroom window.

Success, well kind of...

Not a bad game, bowled two overs and took a wicket. Amusingly enough, it was my sister's old ex-boyfriend so I'm sure she'll be pleased.

Took one catch and made 6 runs - not out as well. Always nice to start on a red-inker. Feeling in the groove though which is the main thing and I'm looking forward ot the first real game of the season soon...

Strangest thing was that I did go out whilst the bowler was on a hat-trick (see anxiety dream last week) but managed to keep it out - just!

Cricket Anxiety Dream

Had an odd dream last night where I was playing this 20-20 game at the weekend and I couln't get my pads on. I was fumbling with the straps and they sent out Ben Gore to bat instead of me (Ben Gore hasn't played for years). Then, when I did get to bat, they brought on this fast Asian bowler, who in the real world bowled me out in 1999 for his hat-trick. I was bricking it.

To top it all, Goldsie was in a foul mood and was threatening people again, which is a recurring dream of mine for some reason. Why am I having anxiety dreams about a non-competitive practice match?

Playing Cricket Again!

I'm nearing 30 now and just starting to think that I may not play cricket for England, ever. Duncan Fletcher getting the sack seems to be the final nail in the coffin! However, in my time I could bowl a fairly brisk pace and be relied upon to score between 4 - 25 runs on a regular basis. So I have decided to give it one last push and have a cricket season to remember, playing for my old team Rustons.

A few year's out of the Lincoln league scene have left me wondering whether I can still cut-it but having completed 4 net sessions, I reckon I'm getting there. Thanks to my mate Charmo turning out as well, there's a bit of impetus to get the head down and the batsmen out. First warm up 20-20 game is on Sunday 29th - so I'll keep you up to date. Unless I do really bad, in which case I'll delete this post and pretend it never happened!

Goldsie's Top 5

Right, here goes:

Top 5 in no particular order

1. The presence at various times of past and present th'imps managers on the stag (Big Keith on Friday night, Schoey in the press room at St James Park). I didn't realise Nick was so well connected!

2. Playing around with the Newcastle tactics board, with the result that the next time the Newcastle team went into their dressing room they would possibly be faced with the orthodox Imps formation of 10 up front and Mazza in goal!

3. Withstanding (kind of) the persistent attempts of the stag to stitch me up with all sorts of evil shots. Think he was more broken than me by the end!

4. The much needed KFC on Friday lunchtime after taking 3 hours getting to Lincoln due to spillage of raw meat on A14

5. The excellent humour/silliness/idiocy that went on for the duration of the weekend, especially that surreal hour with the drink in the box containing all kinds of filth!

Bottom 5 in no particular order

1. Looking up from reading News of the World TV guide to see flying vomit and Nick's head hanging out of the window. Not the nicest sight in the world!

2. Disturbed nights sleep on Friday due to some very unusual noises emanating from room guest Walker

3. Am still haunted by the thought of those minibuses with hen do's in on the way back from rafting. Especially the one with no teeth. Hideous.

4. Being quite scared by that rather large girl dressed up as a policewoman or something similar

5. The weekend finishing and having to return to work

Lincolnshire School Words

Anyone who attended school near Lincoln will remember several words that are no longer used in adult society. Croggy anyone? And remember when you thought 'skill' was a good thing to show at football? Hah! it's actually a rare African bum disease and shame on anyone who agreed that they had it. Here follows a list that I can remember. So, if you go into a school now - you should be OK!

Ø Adamite - person associated with 'cool kid' Adam Wilkins. Names included Emmingham, Connell and Jackson
Ø African/American bunnyhop - A bike jump where one of the wheels lands first. African was back wheel first, american front wheel. Or was it the other way around?
Ø Backy - a lift on the back of your BMX
Ø Bealer - someone prone to crying. My brother Pete fitted into this category until he toughened up in year 8
Ø Bezzer, bezzed - Bezzer is a fat person, bezzed means to run fast. Strangely not related
Ø Chinned - to be punched in the face
Ø Chinny Reckon - Whilst stroking your chin, this expresses a suspicion that someone is telling tall tales.
Ø Chuddy - chewing gum
Ø Cob - throw
Ø Crag, crack - a game played against the side of RPS gym
Ø Croggy - a lift on someones handlebars - now outlawed by the nanny state
Ø Cropped - tripped up
Ø Decked - see chinned
Ø Dinner Bid - dinner lady, the sort who used to cart off people who had been smacked and could no longer walk
Ø Div - someone who's a bit thick
Ø Donkies - again, a long time. Mr Nelson has been giving me grief for Donkies Years
Ø Eggy Bernard - A smelly fart, named after Richard Burns - aka Bernard
Ø Endo - an easy BMX trick, where you slam on the front brake and your back wheel goes upwards - its like a reversed wheelie
Ø Eshed, Peshed - go really fast
Ø Fennies - kids from the lower areas of Lincolnshire - also know as fen monkeys
Ø Flobbed - to propel phlegm through the air
Ø Gillies - The beautiful and exclusive suburb of St Giles
Ø Gisberts - Drink
Ø Gleg - to look at
Ø Gos – to phlegm on someone’s head, particularly during a viscious playground scrap
Ø Grufter Grinder (see rooter hooter and rufter grufter)
Ø gyppo - a gypsie style child
Ø Hair Doc - indicates that subject needs to visit the 'hair doctor' i.e. point at Derry, laugh and sneer "hair doc!"
Ø Half-masts (J McPhail) - Very short trousers ending mid-calf, often prompting the taunt "who's died in your family."
Ø jars - cans
Ø Kerby - Genius game still played in Hykeham. Get a ball and stand with a mate either side of a road (the busier the better). Chuck it across and if it hits the edge of the curb and bounces back you get a point and a chance to try for a bonus point from the middle. Points were lost if you got run over
Ø Mardy - in a strop for some reason
Ø Munter - Ugly bird
Ø Nepis - Penis spelt different - a great way of insulting someone in front of Mr Pearson the art teacher without him knowing what was actually going on
Ø Nobber - a fool
Ø Nob-head - as above
Ø On-Klong - a 3rd years ankles in ridiculous platform shoes
Ø Ooking – really big!
Ø Peggies - BMX stunt pegs
Ø Peg-it - run away
Ø Pillage - A bit like the Eton wall game, but only played at 101 Dore Avenue
Ø Pleb - a game played on the triple slabbed concrete path to Asda. Whoever lost was a 'pleb'
Ø Preggers maldoon - a young lady with child
Ø Razzed - Go fast
Ø Roaring – to cry
Ø Rooter Hooter
Ø Rufter-grufter - all classifications of Derry's wind problems - which varied accoring to pitch, duration and wetness.
Ø Rush and Spider Keeper - means you don't have to stay in goal
Ø Sarnie/Sanger - sandwich. Often squashed flat, filled with crisps and consumed around 10.15 in the morning to give yourself a full run at footy during lunch hour
Ø Satched - to be completely soaking on a rainy day. Wearing a coat was gay
Ø Scally/schooly - a young (rough looking) girl/boy
Ø scoops - drinks
Ø Scran - Food
Ø Scutter - trampy, smelly person
Ø Skill - rare form of African bum disease, amazingly rife in the North Kesteven region
Ø Skiv, Skivvy - (J McPhail again) someone, or something really poor. To the point of destitution. Think Derek Brayfield
Ø Soz’ - a lazy way of saying sorry. Mr Hopkins - "where is your homework boy". Hicko - "Soz boss"
Ø Square - someone who could add up and everything by the age of 13 years old. Will Morgan used to call me a square which is ironic, as he now works as a management consultant for Accenture.
Ø Stinger - noun. game played with a tennis ball where the object is to pelt the ball as hard as you can at your mate, if you hit him, he then gets the chance to pelt it back, repeat until someone loses an eye (thanks for the memory Shep)
Ø Swede - head, particularly one that is enormous and round (think Gareth Bryant or Adrian Chamberlain)
Ø Uggers maldoon - a young lady who's fallen out of the ugly tree
Ø wang - To throw
Ø Wecky Scrubber - a lady of ill repute, low morals and loose virtue. From Westwick Drive
Ø Weg Head - an idiot
Ø Wembo - wembley football. Basically 20 lads all bear down on the poor sod who was nominated in goal
Ø Yonks – a long time

Derry's top 5 stag do moments

"Morning kids. I think the best have already been covered so here are a few more

Top 5

1, Got to mention getting tipped into the Tees, brilliant
2, Mooning on the A46 (now standard stag-do procedure)
3, All mentions of Giraffes
4, One for Clints car only - Flat Eric VERY loud and caravan based discussions including the Charmo Gyp0wag0n 69 or whatever they were called.
5, The tour Doris not knowing where the Intertoto Cup was!

Worst 5 (or 3 actually)

1, Ted raking my back
2, Clint's snoring
3, The mystery snot that occurred during rafting - where did that come from!!!"

Ted's top 5

"Top 5

1, Nick's drunken logic and failed attempt to stitch up Goldsy.
2, The barmaid's pleasant and welcoming attitude in 'Chase', bit of a 'Plain Jane' type though.
3, My hero moment when I saved 5 people from drowning (should really be at number 1 but I am being modest).
4, The 'Foot of Smirnoff Ice' vase/glass.
5, The sense of freedom gained on the release of my hairy(ish) con*ers.

Bottom 5

1, Shep missing out on some of the fun because of his curry hell on Friday the 13th.
2, The bus flasher.
3, The words 'oh no' and the rush of wind as Nick opened the car window.
4, The b*tch who bumped my motor outside St James.
5, Scottish football."

PS - Have you soon this ball?

Shep's Top 5

Not bad re-collection, seeing as the man spent 80% of the time with crippling stomach pains...

"The never-ending pint

Clint pissing himself (literally) three times whilst rafting

Caravan spotting and making up our own names for them

The bare-arsed parade as we passed the minibus full of dori

Male voice choral accompaniment to Derry's Dangermouse ringtone"

And the bottom...

1. Losing Joel's teddy on the fast lane of the A1(M) - may he rest in pieces.
2. Getting a phone call from Hicko at 2am on Sunday morning and being foolish enough to answer it - I'll regret that forever.
3. Curry Hell One - feeling like I was going to puke.
4. Curry Hell Two - nauseating stomach cramps for 24 hours.
5. Curry Hell Three - the burning ring of fire, it burns, burns, burns and the flames are getting higher.

Hicko's Top 5 Stag do moments

As best man for Nick Feltham's wedding, I'm suffering. Just back from Newcastle with a sore foot and sore throat. Can't help but feel that they may be related; maybe I tried to eat my own leg? Here are my top 5 (I was going to do 10 but thought I might exhaust everyone's lists)

Falling in the Tees
The singing musical pint box and the mysterious lady therein
Greco-roman wrestling
Meeting the Lord of Harpole
Nick's Jester's shoes

Bottom 5:

Nick's bowels
Shep's bowels
Clint's bowels
Ted's nudger
The pile-on of doom

Will publish others as they come in!

First Blog

Well, here it is. A new blog and I guess you're wondering why? Well, I want to share. Share the benefit of my experience, show off my knowledge and make people laugh. Will it happen. I'm guessing not. I give it 5 weeks max and I'm not that big or clever. But you never know, you might find some nice pictures, a mention of yourself or some amusing cheese. Who can tell?

My life includes (honestly):

Birds, Comedy, Cricket, Lincoln City, Church, Guitar playing, Drinking with friends, Gardening,
Running, Holidays, Films and most importantly - my lovely wife Charlotte (aka Candy)

Check in for potential fun... coming next - Lincolnshire school words and Nick's stag do!